A Patron is a Patron, unless They're a Douche...

Not really what the Patron Note field was intended for but
some of my coworkers can't seem to suppress their rage.

When you work with the public, your chances of encountering those with the "holier than thou" mentality increase tenfold.  Self-centered would be the best way to group these people together.  They are the ones who feel like they are above everyone else and the same ground rules do not apply to them.  They are the ones who will argue every single time they incur a late fee under $1.  "It isn't my fault, something is wrong with your system," or "Well, I didn't get an email reminder about them so I didn't know they were due so I shouldn't have to pay the late fees."

Last week a patron came up to the desk to say that he had the conference room reserved.  Yes, yes he did, but he was also an hour late so I cancelled his reservation and placed another patron in the room.  The rules state that rooms are only held for 30 minutes before reservations are deemed null and void.  Luckily my supervisor happened to be at the desk with me because I do not think I would have been able to deal with him cordially.  The patron became very indignant, raising his voice because he felt that it would help his cause.

He told the patron, whom I shall refer to as D, that he is an hour late and that the room was given to someone else who asked for it.  D replied, "Look here, I told you last week when I called that I wasn't sure if I would be able to make it at that specified time."  D then said that he it was my supervisor he talked to last Friday to make the reservations.  Yeah, well, my supervisor and I both had that day off and we are the only males who work info.  D then said, "There's only a guy and two little girls in there, you need to make them leave the room so I can use it.  I need to conduct this interview NOW."  It was at this point I had to bite my tongue and restrain myself from telling him that I didn't give a damn about who he was or what he was doing.  My supervisor ended up sticking him in one of the larger meeting rooms which he technically didn't have to offer since they are only meant to be used for bigger groups.  I don't think I would have offered it to him, I would have told him about the park bench across the street.

I've encountered D before when I covered another branch for its staff meeting.  He was also using a meeting room but this time someone else was waiting on him because he didn't leave at the scheduled time.  I ended up telling him 3 times that someone else had the room reserved and they were waiting on him.  The first time he didn't even look up when I opened the room and said, "Excuse me," he just kept going on about his business.  The third time I was done, I opened the door and stood in the doorway until he got pissed off and packed up his things and finished his meeting outside of the library.

Thankfully, these people are far and few between.  If it wasn't this way, the term "going librarian" would be the common synonym for workplace violence.

How to make Library Staff Meetings even more dreadful...

"How can staff meetings get any worse?" you ask, well I'll tell you how!   
TL;DR You spend the majority of meeting time on a complaint from an irrational patron who disrespects staff.

When our branch manager handed out the meeting's itinerary (exhibit 14.a example of Librarians hate trees), there was a collective sigh/grunt of disappointment by the circ staff.  The info side showed no response.  What was circ having a fit over, well it was over the printed email complaint from the devil spawn patron.  This guy is the epitome of an a-hole patron.

The gist of his email complains about how the circ staff comes over to help when he's FAILING at the self-checkout.  He finds it "discourteous and disrespectful," I've witnessed first-hand his blowing up when someone points out that he has miscanned an item and he didn't notice, patrons never notice, they just continue scanning and wonder why only 1 out of their 8 items checked out.  He goes on to mention having "a couple of very pointed exchanges with staff about it."  Pointed - yes.  Exchanges - not really when it's all one-way with him talking down to staff.  He suggests a "refresher in courtesy" for staff and he's upset that "some taxpayers (and their small children) are treated more courteously than others." One Rules of Circulation which I have not delved into --- When a patron refers to themselves or other patrons as "taxpayers" it is accompanied with a complaint.  He goes on to say that if staff was trained this way "I will just shut up and stop re-training them." 

He has blown up on 5 different circ staff, two of which are managers so it's not like he's always being "helped/disrespected" by a disgruntled staff member which do not exist at my branch.  There is nearly a total of 25 years of library experience among his victims so it is not as if they are still tyros of the circ desk.

The branch manager broke us up into 3 groups, I was with two of my info friends and unfortunately the assistant branch manager was also in our group which is like having a group project with the teacher's pet --- no fun to be had.  Although she has also witnessed one of his "retraining sessions" and acknowledges he is an ass.  We spent over a freaking hour on this douche patron.  We were asked to answer three questions: "What does this customer dislike?" --- LIFE  "What is he asking for?" --- A position as circ manager to train us  "Can we accommodate him?" --- Does restraining from punching him in the face whenever he disrespects my coworkers count?

It was a complete waste of time.  Of course management kept saying, "We're not saying that you aren't doing your jobs properly."  Really?  Well their assuming this is a rational patron who has a rational complaint is implying that we don't know how to do our jobs, a monkey could do circ work and monkeys are also known to throw feces... hold on, I think I'm on to something here.

I Don't Always Want to Punch Patrons in the Face...

I don't always want to punch patrons in the face, but when I do, they deserve it.

Last Saturday an older gentleman (complete misnomer) came up to me and put a completed library application and his wife's military ID on the circ desk and said he wanted to get her a library card.  I asked if she was with him and he looked across both of his shoulders sarcastically and back at me with a "do you see her here with me?" look on his face.  It was at this moment I had a P.A.T.R.O.N. on my hands.  I told him that I would not be able to register her for a card since she isn't present.  He goes from 1 to a full 10 on the douche scale and loudly replies, "Why the hell not?  I have her application and her ID here, I want it NOW."  Okay, first of all, his "wife" was not present, second, her ID did not have a home address listed, nor did he have anything with that, so it was wrong on all counts.

I told him that the most I could do was give her a limited card which would not be allowed to check anything out until she comes in and proves who she is and where she lives, this was already against policy but I was trying to look out for the guy.  He flips his sh*t and says, "What the eff?? It's just a g-damn library card, do you need her fingerprints????"  This was a Saturday afternoon, there were a lot of families and young children present.  I obviously do not possess enough hands to have ear-muffed all of them, and he was practically yelling so I instantly got pissed off at rudeness and inconsideration and told him I would get the circ manager.  He continues to curse while I walk back and give my circ manager a head's up on the sh*t-fest he's about to encounter.  My manager tries to tell him that we cannot do that but that they can apply for a card online and the card would be mailed to them, apparently this was not enough, and he kept saying, "B-S, B-S, B-S," without listening to a word we were telling him.  Before he stomped off to the stacks he ends his tirade with, "Well, good for you, I'm glad you follow the policy, it's g-damn discriminating against the disabled (his first and only mention that his wife is disabled), thanks a lot A-HOLE!"  My supervisor hit his limit right there and told him that that was not necessary and to have a good day.

I ended up walking back to my supervisors office and tried to run down what the hell just happened and if it could have been handled differently.  When I walked back out to the desk, this guy was talking to my other coworker who was working the desk with me and he was all nice and sweet to her and he freaking apologized to HER for his curse filled tirade.  He never cursed at her or had any interaction with her, this mfer!  I just gave him the stank eye as he walked out the door.  Yup, this guy made my patron sh*t list.

I should pair him up with #2 on my list: the previous P.A.T.R.O.N. award winner, and produce a remake of 'Grumpy Old Men.'   Better yet, I should throw these two in a balcony, but instead of witty retorts and comments, they only swear and display their complete idiocy.

P.A.T.R.O.N. Award Winner...

Last Friday morning, I was on the desk the first hour open with my friend/coworker.

During that hour a certain patron was having a hard time scanning a book barcode at one of the "Express" self check out's.  It literally looked like he was "stirring the pot" dance move with the book under the red scanner beam.  We at the circ desk are pretty quick to come over and assist patrons before the machine times out and they have to rescan their library card.  My friend quickly steps over and suggests that it might be easier if he just tilted the book under the scanner instead.  His response was to put the book down look at her all pissy and say, "Have you ever thought that maybe it would better if you just asked if I wanted your help at all in the first place instead of ASSUMING I wanted it?"

My patron a-hole spidey sense was going all sorts of crazy.  My coworker just bit her tongue and walked away from him.  After he had to rescan his library card because the checkout process timed out due to his diatribe, he said, "Hope the rest of your day is better done."

I swear, one of these days Alice, I'm going to punch one of these patrons in the face.  In general I am not one to swear, unless I've been drinking, and I never swear at work but I was effing pissed.  I guess my uber-rage had a calming affect on my friend and she was surprised at how mad I was.  Apparently this guy is a pissy regular and has yelled at several of my other coworkers when they tried to help him.

 I contemplated pulling up his email address and SPAMMING THE SH*T out if it...  Seriously eff this guy...

Memo to all Patrons: Please Be Kind, Rewind...

Most of the VHS and cassette tapes in the branch's collection have been weeded down to a measly 2 shelves.  It's amazing how some of those materials have lasted this long, I've looked at their circ numbers and they're always higher than I was expecting.  I'm sure some of those materials were revived by some menders in the past but still, you've got to respect the numbers when you consider the fragility of the thin magnetic tape.

I was not working for the library system when CD's were introduced into the collection, but I was there for the inclusion of DVD's and everyone felt that it was the heaven sent solution to busted tapes.  It didn't take long before these hopes were dashed.  The majority of the blame can solely fall on a few select patrons, they handle CD's and DVD's like toddlers handle board-books. 

They bitch that they couldn't finish listening to "Eat, Pray, Love" because the last CD looks like it got into a fight with their cat.  Not surprisingly, these are the same exact patrons who were too lazy to put the CD's back into the sleeves before they dropped them off in the bookdrop and all of the CD's ended up scattered among the rest of the returns.

My proposal is to brand these patrons library cards with an "A" for uhm, "Arse(?)"and limit their borrowing privileges to the VHS and cassette tapes.

The Book Drop is NOT a Trash Bin.

The P.A.T.R.O.N. Award of the week goes to whoever dumped a whole bin of soggy, moldy, smelly "donations" in the bookdrop.


The fact that you actually handled these items when they were placed in your car, driven to the library, and then carried to the bookdrop leaves me to believe that you must be crazy to think that the library could/would find use in these items.

Detective Bookman is on the case and when the DNA lab results return from Tech Services you will be billed for all of the Purell we had to use after throwing your garbage away.

The P.A.T.R.O.N. Award

Patron A-hole That Ruin Others' Niceness.

To the patron who sneakily walked out with these issues of Rolling Stone and returned them months later in the book drop, you forgot to pick up your P.A.T.R.O.N. award! 

Needless to say, I did not check the pages for damage or bodily fluids.  I'm assuming you're either a teenage boy or a skeevy old guy.  Whoever you are, you have forced my hand, the next issue of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition will be under armed guard.

Yet Another Reason Why Public Librarianship is Not for Me...

So the assistant branch manager walked into the backroom and turned to me and a coworker and exclaimed, "I love this job," while rolling her eyes.

A patron was sitting at a public computer reserved for another patron and she walked up to the guy and told him that the computer is being reserved for someone else and that he would have to sit somewhere else.  He responds by cussing her out and turning off the computer.  The patron who was waiting for the computer told her that she should ban that patron.  She said, "Unfortunately, he just exercising his First Amendment Rights."

Yeah, sure, but I didn't know that being a complete a-hole was also a clause.  If I was in her shoes, I'm not so sure I would have responded like that.  I probably would have punched him in the face and asked, "Why the eff did you just do that??"  If I had the authority to single-handedly ban patrons whom I deemed fit, let's just say I would have a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

The P.A.T.R.O.N. Award

Library patrons in general, no wait, regular library patrons, no that's not right either...

There are a few patrons who ruin every other patrons' image.  These bad apples are the reason why you become jaded and look questioningly at patrons who say that they returned those "Lost Materials"  they are being charged for, or that they should not have to pay for a damaged book because it was already damaged before they borrowed it.

With that, I introduce the P.A.T.R.O.N Award (Patron A-holes That Ruin Others' Niceness).

The fine specimen for this first award is the patron who walked out with the July issue of "Vogue," tore out 100+ pages, dropped the now unreadable magazine back in the book drop, and left a note that read, " Sorry to whomever reads.  I ripped out the pages : ) "

Just to let you know, the case has been passed on to the Library Detective, Mr. Bookman, and the magazine will be dusted for fingerprints and the handwriting analyzed.  

Once you are found and brought to justice, I have predetermined your punishment: you will have to conduct daily readings and discussions of Harlequin romance novels for the elderly women  that read them and that one elderly guy who says he borrows them for his wife, but every time his wife checks materials out herself, she only borrows mysteries.