The Rules of Circ #06 (The RoC)

"First Name Basis"

There is nothing worse than when a patron whom you don't know calls you by your first name because they read your required government ID badge.  Okay, so that was an exaggeration, there are plenty of worse things you can encounter in a public library, but nevertheless it still is awkward.

"Hey Bibliotecher, how are you?"  "Thanks for your help Bibliotecher!"

The first thing I think is, "Do I know you?"  It is a knee-jerk reaction but I tend to scrunch up my face for a second thinking, "How do they know my name??" and then I realize it's the ID.  

Granted there are several faces I recognize and some names I can recall but that's only because of two possible reasons: I nominated them for a P.A.T.R.O.N. award or they are regulars, or it could be a combination of both.  If everyone on Circ knows your name it usually is because you're a problem patron.

In other instances, certain patrons make a beeline straight to you at the desk because, "Hey, remember when you helped me that one time?"  No, no I don't remember you at all.  Over the years working the circ desk, I have helped hundreds, dare I say thousands, of people.  One day, I kept myself entertained by keeping track of how many patrons I help during that shift.  The four hours on the desk that day averaged about 27 patrons an hour.  So please don't take offense if we don't instantly become Facebook BFF's after I helped clear up your library fees.

Rules of Circ #3 (RoC)

"Can You Hear Me Now?"

It's a cultural norm that libraries are relatively quiet zones, at least here in the States.  So I can forgive those who are new to public libraries, I have had to explain how the library works to several people who registered for their first library cards --- "No, it is for free (I know, I know, nothing is for free, but I don't have the time to give them the whole economics spiel)... You have to bring back the books..."  Most individuals know that it isn't "proper" to yell/talk loudly/carry a 20 minute conversation on your cell about what you had for breakfast.  Now libraries have adapted with the times; I'm sure back in the day there were signs that asked patrons to set their beepers to vibrate and now the signs ask to silence cell phones.  But who the hell am I kidding, who reads signs in the library anyways, not like any of them are into reading!??!

You still get the inconsiderate patrons who DON'T silence their ringers and who still hold loud conversations.  I will also give a temporary library pass to those not who are technologically challenged.  There are some patrons who do not know how to lower their ringer and you see them struggling with their phones pushing every single button BUT the right one.  Then when the call goes to voice mail, they look at you apologetically and mouth, "I'm sorry."  You also get those patrons who think they hit the button to lower their volume but they end up having a conversation through speakerphone for all the library to hear.


Taking your conversations to the stacks does not make the matter any better.  You cannot use the shelves as a form of sound deadening, they are not acoustically tuned to block out your incessant chattering.  It's even worse when they're blabbing on their phone while attempting to checking out.  They realize they have a fee and you're trying to explain to them what's overdue, how much is owed, when materials are due back, but they still insist on multitasking.  HANG UP THE DAMN PHONE.  A one minute transaction ends up taking 5 minutes.  Stop wasting everyone's time, I'm sure the other person on the line can live for a minute or two without the digital umbilical cord.

Ringtone context also does not matter.  I don't care if you have one of the latest "Top 50" crap they play back to back on the radio as your ringtone, no one wants to hear it in the library.  That goes the same for the "sophisticated" types with your classical ringtone in MIDI format.  No offense to Beethoven or his 5th Symphony, but your highly refined taste in music does not make it acceptable to have it blaring from the Blackberry on your hip.  Yeah, even nature ringtones are annoying, nobody enjoys the sounds of crickets... nobody.

The Rules of Circulation #07 (The RoC)

 "Never Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth, unless its Dead and Decaying"....

A patron came up and handed me a book saying that a while back he couldn't find this book.  He ended up paying for it but he just found it and wanted to give it back.  I told him that we wouldn't be able to give him a refund and he smirked and said that it was okay and that he wanted the library to add it back to its shelves.

I didn't fully comprehend the reason of his smugness until I took a better look at the book in the backroom and noticed the Hazmat like condition it was in.  Seriously, you could play connect the dots with all of the individual colonies.  All of the pages were warped with water damage and as you can see from the above picture, it turned into a petri dish.  I quickly bagged it and took it to the dumpster.

Did this patron return this book knowing it was rife with hazardous spores ---- probably.  Have patrons "donated" similar materials thinking the library/Friends would find good use for it, yes.  Some have good (but clearly void of any common sense) intentions while others rest on the nefarious end of the spectrum.

I cannot stress how much the library DOESN'T NEED your lifelong collection of 'National Geographic' or 'TV Guide.'  But it has such treasures, such as the first cover of "Alf" you say, thanks but no thanks.  Save that stuff for neighborhood yard sales.  The library's bookdrop is not your personal dumpster.  If I ever find anyone using it as such, I will send Detective Bookman after you and you will pay the consequences, which will involve volunteering your time to rat on any patrons who find any loopholes with the internet filters.

The Rules of Circulation #12 (The RoC)

"YMMV at Your Library"

I first learned about 'YMMV' from the deal sites I check out.  It stands for 'Your Mileage Might Vary' aka Your Results Might Vary.

This phrase certainly holds true from the patron perspective.  Yes, my branch may be a part of the same system but there are 15+ branches and each branch is run the same but yet differently.  Hell, even within my branch your interaction with one coworker could be completely different if someone else had helped you.

A patron came up to the circ desk and I could tell she was pissed but not directly at me, so I didn't take offense to her huffing and slamming her books on the desk.  She told me that she had called to renew her overdue items, but those items pushed her fees over the borrowing threshold so her current overdues were barring her from renewing them herself.  Whoever was covering phones that hour pretty much told her, tough ish and the materials continued to accrue overdue fees.  I don't always follow the rules to a T and I ended up renewing her materials and forgiving the associated late fees.  The patron was in a much better mood after this and my coworker asked her what branch she called.  After she told us which branch and walked off into the stack, we both started guessing which person she had to deal with.  Staff talk to other branch staff a lot, so you tend to get a feel for the branch and the people that work there even if you have never been there.

The same principle can be applied to patron interactions.  The poor circ manager at the first branch I worked for had 2 hit and run incidents in the parking lot.  Both happened in less than 6 months.  Needless to say she would always take a look at her car from the backroom window whenever she got a chance.  With so many branches covering the county, each branch has completely different demographics from the next.  At the second branch I worked at, I had a patron leave a note on my windshield after their young daughter opened their car door too hard and dented my door.  I probably would have not noticed the dent for awhile since it was on the passenger side.  The patron was completely apologetic and paid for the repairs and the rental car.

Rules of Circulation #2 (RoC)

"My Library's Stacks are Bigger than Yours."

Library envy, at first I never understood it but after putting in more time for the library has made me pay more attention to other libraries.

I also just worked at a newly renovated branch to cover for their staff meeting, and the whole place was pristine -- nice and shiny.  It was my first time ever visiting/working that branch pre- or post-renovation so everything about it was new to me.  I was not the only first timer that day either, for the two hours I worked the desk there were 6 patrons who came up and commented on how great the new branch is.  To be honest, anything new is nice, but I would take my 12 year old branch any day.

It is only more annoying when patrons come up to the circ desk either to get a new card, check materials out, or just walk up to tell me that "Their Library System/Branch" is much better because:

1. They have a bigger/better/newer building.
2. They have more books.
3. They lend video games.
4. They lend sheet music.
5. They don't have late fees.
6. Their public internet stations are better (aka no pr0n filters).
7. They're BFF's with all of the staff.
   (updated)
8. They have better Wi-Fi.
9. They have a cafe.
10. They have more electrical outlets.

To be honest, I could really care less but I can't show that because that would only turn the situation into more of  a nuisance.

How am I supposed to respond when you tell me that the branch I am working at "sucks" because no one smiles and no one is your friend like your old hometown library which is across the country.

Well, to be honest, I didn't take offense to that lady because after I checked out her materials, she thanked me for smiling.  Apparently I am the only one working at that branch who does.  I can completely understand why too (I am only enslaved there on Sundays).  I try to remember to smile (even fake ones) because they release endorphins which makes working at such a hell hole a little bit more sufferable.

So that lady gets a Bibliotecher pass, but I swear, the next patron who complains about how our DVD selection is lacking compared to a different library they frequent, will be buried under a pile of smelly, snot-encrusted, bacteria-infested, half-chewed on boardbooks.

You've been warned.

Rules of Circulation #27a (RoC)

"Improper Use of County Property"

This is an amendment to a previous entry: "Rocks, Papers, Scissors."


If the stars are aligned perfectly and the moon is in the proper lunar phase, and most importantly, the patrons have their politeness degree, I will let them borrow the scissors or use the stapler.


The only stipulation is that the patron has to use said items at the circ desk.  The majority of patrons are cool with that and bring their materials to the desk, others cop an attitude and grumble, "Nevermind," and stomp backto the stacks never to be heard from again.  Seriously though, you CANNOT cut up the 'Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition.'


I had a lady come up to me one morning asking to borrow the scissors.  English wasn't her main language so hand gestures was the main form of communication.  I told her she could use them but had to use them here.  She pointed to the ladies' room, I shook my head disapprovingly and she kept asking for them.  I asked why she needed to take them to the bathroom, I'm thinking maybe she has a valid reason (giving to much credit to patrons, I know I know).  She takes her hands and with one she opens up one of her nostrils and with her other hand she uses her two fingers in a cutting motion towards her nose hairs.... It was at this point I couldn't stifle a laugh and tell her, "Sorry."

Other patrons are more brazen in their endeavors.  I had a lady come up and ask to use some tape, scissors, and stapler; "the Trifecta."  She was very polite and I agreed but told her she had to use them at the circ desk and she complied.  She had an Eastern European accent and she also had a foreign passport and a couple of her pictures.  It seemed like some weak sauce counterfeiting to me, but who am I to judge really?  Maybe she had a bad hair day and wanted to change her picture?

So the lesson of today, no body grooming with the scissors and wipe all of your fingerprints from the stapler if you are running a fake ID hustle from the library.

Rules of Circ #11 (RoC)

"Circ Desk Small talk"

Most interactions with patrons at the desk last less than a minute, two at the most because it takes a long time to print up a due date slip listing all of the 50 items checked out.

I do not know if this is only for specific patrons who are "loose" when it comes to self-disclosure or if the circ desk is the equivalent of a bar. Patrons can be particularly gabby, and I'm not just talking about the lonely elderly ones either (it's worse when they call because I feel bad when I have to politely tell them I have to go back to work after helping them).

Popular topics of discussion are
1. The weather; from a blizzard to a heat wave, patrons will always mention the obvious. Although, I particularly hate it when patrons mention how great it is outdoors and I'm stuck indoors and I also just started my shift -- don't rub it in!
2. Changes in library policy; it's always fun to bond with patrons by complaining about "The Man," you know, the one guy in his executive suite, smoking his cigars in his expensive suit who is always increasing library fines and shortening hours.
3. Personal issues; most of the time I honestly do not need any more information other than your library card number, and sometimes your name or address. Everything volunteered varies so greatly on many levels. It can range from happy subjects like finally getting a job after using the library to find jobs, to the sad like a widow clearing up a recently passed away spouse's account.

No matter what the topic, I openly welcome anything over the awkward silence of waiting for the printer to finish. I love it when patrons get really excited when they see that I am willing to listen. I had an elderly patron go on and on about a play she was putting on and kept inviting me to go. I recently had a patron tell me all about her trip to Greece which occurred during the economic riots; her husband was pick-pocketed within 20 minutes of setting foot on land and she came in to pay for books they lost when they had to quickly leave their hotel due to the riots.

So bring some books and some stories to the check out desk and I'm always willing to lend the books and an ear.

Rules of Circ #27 (RoC)

"Rock, Paper, Scissors."

Guess which item I would be more than glad to hand out to every patron who asks for it?

It is so annoying during science fair season, when the library is swarmed by students who only bring blank poster-boards with them and expect to walk out with a finalized project.  They will usually draw straws to determine which sucker has to sheepishly walk up to the Circ desk and ask for every single supply needed.  It is not only reserved to young students, I have encountered many older patrons who were upset that I would not give them any paper for their book/movie/play/manifesto/complaint which they are currently working on.

It seems like every tax paying citizen feels like it is their given right to use the library as if it was some rogue Staples that just gives ish away.  I'm sure with your tax returns, and a calculator we can figure out exactly how much you "contributed" to the library.  Here's a clue to save you some long division, it probably is not much more than $50. 

Sure that sounds reasonable enough for you to pillage the supply closet a time or two, but that money also goes towards the collection which includes countless copies of classic American literature aka the Harlequin series (yes, I do enjoy taking as many jabs at "romance novels" as possible).

So in actuality, the amount of your taxes spent on supplies is extremely low.  I'll do you all a favor and break it down in a simple list.

Each patron's taxes affords them to:
- 25 scissor swipes
- 15 staples (or 3 if you require use of the actual stapler)
- 13" of the glue stick
- 10" of Scotch tape
-  8 golf-size pencils
-  6 faxes (legal size)
-  5 paper clips
-  2 sheets of white 8 1/2" by 11" paper
-  1 sheet of colored 8 1/2" by 11" paper

You can only choose one of the above options per fiscal year, so choose wisely. Oh, and that's only if you ask nicely.

Rules of Circ #33 (RoC)

The Law of Finders Keepers

1. You leave something at the library.
2. There are no identifiable marks on it.
3. It is of little monetary value.
4. You do not claim it within a month from the 'Lost and Found.'
5. I find it interesting or it was left on my desk and I'm too lazy to find someone else to take it off my hand.
6. It joins my eclectic cubicle collection.

Rules of Circ #09 (RoC)

"There is No Such thing as Patron - Circ Desk Confidentiality."

I don't know what it is about the circ desk, but it seems like patrons seem to frequently throw the general sense of self disclosure out the window.  It's quite similar to someone telling their whole life story to a bartender at the bar.

Tonight I was part of one of the most awkward discussions I have had at the circ desk.

A mother came up to me at the circ desk and told me that her two children had been out of the country for the past year and that they needed new cards.  Sure thing, easy transaction.
When I was looking up her children's accounts by searching with her last name, she saw the PC screen and said to her children, "Wow there are a lot of people with our last name, I mean, my ex-husband's last name."  Her son looked up at her and asked, "You and dad got a divorce???"  She quickly changed the subject by having him sign his name on his new card.  I tried not to react at all, but I may have winced when he asked.

I remember when I was working at one branch, I had a patron come up to check out some books.  I scanned her card and told her about some overdue fees she had on her account.  She asked what they were for, I clicked a few buttons and told her they were for Toxic In Laws and Mother In Law Hell.  She smiled and said, "Oh yeah, I remember those, completely worth it!  In fact, after that week, I can write my own book."

Rules of Circ #05 (RoC)

"Red or Blue Pill"

When a patron signs up for a new card or needs a replacement, I always ask them, "wallet sized or keychain sized card?"

I try not to speak so quickly, but the patron just stares at me quizzically.  It is at this point that I pull out each card and hold one in each hand and ask the patron again.  I feel like I'm Morpheus asking Neo, whether or not he wants the story to end or stay in Wonderland.

Is it just me, or is this a fairly easy question to answer in under 10 seconds, I could hum the Final Jeopardy theme song and they still couldn't make a choice.  But alas, not all patrons are the same, when it comes to this decision you can pretty much categorize them: Straight Forward, Bank Robber, Shoot First-Ask Questions Later, and the Flip-Flopper.

The Straight Forward patron is the easiest to handle, they will give you their answer right then and there, crisis avoided.

I label the second type the Bank Robber, because much like someone at the teller line, they don't care just as long as you hand it over.  These are the type that are in a hurry to get in, get their card, and jump on the public computers to update their Facebook status or Tweet to the whole world that they got their first library card. 

Shoot First-Ask Questions Later, are also the Pro-Con people.  They'll make their decision, but then feel a twinge of buyer's remorse and then verbally justify their doubts away.  "Oh, I'll just stick with the keychain card, I always have my keys with me anyways."  "I'll stick with the wallet, the keychain one probably falls off easier."  To which I assuage their fears, "The keychain one is always convenient," or "The keychain ones do fall off quite easily."

Lastly, there's the Flip-Flopper, they tend to take longer to make their decision.  You can actually see the gears turning in their head as they squint at the cards as if they are trying to read a fortune ball which will give them the answer to the biggest dilemma they have encountered.  Once they have decided on one, they state their decision with such excitement, only to doubt their decision by the end of me entering their information into the database that they ask if it's too late if they can get the other kind of card.  I smile and tell them it's not, and ask them if that's their final answer (sorry for the second game show reference in one post).

So the real question is: do you want to see how deep the rabbit-hole goes at the Circulation desk?

Rules of Circ #14 (RoC)

"I Can Name That Patron in Two Adjectives"

My coworkers and I encounter a lot of people during our time on the desk and while covering the phones.  Unless you are a frequent patron, exceptional nice (or attractive), troublesome, or for a lack of a better word, down right "quirky," we do remember your name.  And if you are really special, we even may have a nickname for you.  Not that it means it's a bad thing.  Several of my female coworkers have dubbed one guy the "hot dad."

Also, if you have a unique name, we will most likely point it out to each other.  Seriously, what else are we supposed to talk about at work: cats? recipes? sewing/crocheting?  I'd fail on all three topics.

We don't make fun of patrons, okay, so *some* of my coworkers do, but when you deal with hundreds of people during the week it can be hard to recall certain patrons unless you describe them like "Porn Dude," you know, that creepy guy that always looks at porn on the public internet stations without regard for those around him.

I know it would be pointless of me to say not to take it personally but really, it is personal.

Rules of Circ #23 (RoC)

"Do Not Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth"

I had a gentleman approach me at the desk yesterday asking if there was a manager on duty.  I've learned from past experience that my lack of authority > manager's ineptitude.
So I told him that I could look in the back for one to which he replied, "Well, maybe you can help me."

He had overdue fees on his card in excess of $50.  All for the same 4 books, he apparently failed to comprehend the "Renewal" process.  He was playing his violin and was talking about how he needed it to study and before he knew it, his fees procreated into the amount it was today.

He asked if there "was anything that could be done about it."  Like he was expecting me to wave a magic wand and *poof* make it entirely disappear, which in all reason I could.  But I used my "Win/Win Tactic," I told him that if he paid half of it today, I could forgive the rest.  Apparently that wasn't good enough for him because didn't jump at this 'once in a lifetime opportunity' that I just presented him.  I even told him that any manager would not even offer to forgive this much, he still didn't accept it.

I know times are rough and I am more than willing to help out patrons but offer them an inch and some of them expect a mile.